Listening

 

I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem;  they shall never hold their peace day or night.  You who make mention of the Lord, do not keep silent, and give HIM no rest until HE establishes and until HE make Jerusalem a praise in the earth.  Is. 62:6-7

last night marked week 18 of Near.  each week God has been faithful to listen, each week God has been faithful to speak.

there has been answered prayer for tangible things….a new washing machine

there has been answered prayer for the unseen….a wounded heart beginning the healing process

each week He seemed to work on a theme:

help me to love You….

help me to wait on You….

Micah 7:7 but as for me I will watch expectantly for the Lord, I will wait for the God of my Salvation.  my God will hear me.

help me to walk in freedom….

Is. 52:2 shake yourself from the dust o captive jerusalem.  loose yourself from the chains around your neck, o captive daughter of zion

help me to trust you….

Jer. 1:19  they will fight against you but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you declares the Lord

let me know You….

teach me to die…

2 Cor. 4:7 for the love of God controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died. 

last night Is. 62:6-7 spoke to my husband and I in a profound way…

Lord teach us to pray.

Mr. Scientist You Can Keep Your Test Tubes

 

did you hear?   they can now create life in a test tube.   yeah, that’s what they say.   they also say that there is no longer any mystery in the creation of life, it’s just a matter of lining the dna up in the right order.   apparently they don’t need God.   at least that seems to be what they are saying... 

i say the miracle of life can not be contained in a test tube.   i say that when God knit us together He meant just that.   as a knitter myself I know that means he touched Every Stitch.  no part of His creation is without His touch, His breath.

i say the greater mystery is not just that He created us but that He called us.   that He has endured with patient love so long those who have scorned His words, turned their back on His love.  that despite all my worthless attempts at saving myself and all my filthy rags He still calls me His Child.   i say the mysteries of God are more than cells.  they are living moving beings… carrying in these earthly vessels the Spirit of God.   try to put that in your test tubes.

Picking Favorites

 

Sunday was shearing day at the farm.  As the shearer did the necessary job of removing the year’s wool from each my sheep.  I found myself looking at each one and thinking how much I cared for them.

As each one came in the barn for his or her turn I often found myself thinking “there’s so and so, she’s my favorite” and then “no, this one is my favorite”.  After a while of trying to decide which animal was my favorite it occurred to me that each one was my favorite for different reasons.   Kara is my favorite because she is such a good mom.  She once took in a lamb that was rejected by her mom and cared for her as her own.

Pebbles is my favorite because she was once so wild but now she comes right up to me for a rub.  Grace is my favorite because my husband saved her from a dog attack.

You know, I really think that is how God looks at us. 

“Oh yeah, she’s My favorite…she always takes time to talk to Me….”

“See him?  He is my favorite!  He is really has a heart for My word….”

“She’s My favorite for sure!  She may stumble but she gets right back up.  I love how she doesn’t give up.

Sterile Love

 

When I am at my most honest, I realize I know nothing about Love.  

What does love look like?  It’s a question I’ve been pondering.

God has been teaching me about Love.  His love.  Real Love.   Love that moves past barriers.  Love that forgets self.   Love that brought a Savior.

If all of life comes down to love then tell me…what does love look like?

I have been asking God to teach me to Love Him. As I ask I realize that Loving Him can not be separated from loving others.

Then I saw Him there, hanging on tree looking at me.

And as I attempt to Love others I realize how truly inept I am at Loving Him, at Loving at all.

He had arms wide open, heart exposed.  Arms wide open….He was bleeding, bleeding.

I spent some time meditating on the deep Love of God this Wednesday.   If you have been following this blog you realize it is new thing to me- this understanding that God loves me.   I am realizing that the Love of God is a wild thing.   It is not a tame, sterile love that lives only in the hallowed halls of stain glass windows.  It is a crazy thing, beating on the doors of convention, causing me to question all that I once believed.   Crushing me while at the same time it heals me.

That evening my husband and I traveled with our children to Grand Rapids to listen to my brother in law preach at the Love Feast.  As we sat at our meal of french toast and sausage with the homeless, the drunks, the lost…a woman walked in.  It was obvious that she had wet her pants and to my shame I must admit to you that I lost my appetite.  I sat convicted as I watched one of the Stockbridge Interns embrace her without a moments hesitation.  And as I watched the Love of God work itself out in flesh I thought of all the work that must be done so that I may learn this Love.  It is with a broken and humble heart that I recount that moment…knowing that in my arrogance I believed that I was somehow more clean than her…forgetting the sin that cost a Savior so much.

You shall love Me….with arms wide open, heart exposed…bleeding, sometimes bleeding

And with a gentle voice that is so like God, healing even as He wounds, God reminds me of the Love that reached into the gutter and dwelt among the filth to save me.

And the King will answer and say to them, Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to me.

Matt. 25:40

 

Words in italics are from the song Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards.

that I might be His own

 

I just finished reading this in The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning:

I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preach up for the cause of Christ.  I am a disciple of Jesus.  I must go until he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me.  And, when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me…my banner will be clear! (emphasis mine)

According to Mr. Manning, this was written by a young Zimbabwe Pastor and was found after his martyrdom.  In light of this knowledge the reading of this changes…I realize that he did indeed work until He stopped him.   And I believe that his banner was clear.   Then I wonder.   How does this translate to middle class America?  To me?

I am in no danger of martyrdom (yet?) but I am called to die.   But more than that…this isn’t about working as much and as hard as you can until you drop from exhaustion hoping that you have finally done enough.   It is only true devotion and love for a Savior that causes one to lay down everything, even their life.  It is about a heart so obsessed, so in love, so enamored with God and who He is that nothing He calls us to is too much.  Rather we cry out ” What more can I do?”  Not of fear but out of a deep desperate desire to please the One who calls.  It is a coming to end of ourselves and offering all that we have, all that we are, without fear or resignation know that the Best has already been given, the need has already been met.

Oh Lord, may my banner be clear.   May my devotion to You be so pervasive that You are written on every part of my life.   Let me be so intimate with You that You will recognize me on sight and even say “Well done, Rachel”

Of buttons and strings and other useless things…

 

Do you happen to remember Janis Joplin’s song “Mercedes Benz”?

Oh Lord won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz

My friends all drive porsches I must make amends…..

This walk that God and I are on is pretty amazing.   It seems He works in themes.   While at Near on Monday God brought to mind James 4:1-3.

^1-2Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.

^2-3You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way. (James 4:1-3 The Message)

My spirit groaned within me.  I understood.  completely.  The New King James says it this way :

You ask and you do not receive because you ask amiss that you may spend it on your pleasures. (VS 3)

I have been crying out to God.   “Teach me to love You.”

He has been answering.

Learn to love what I love.  Cry out for that.   Cry out for justice, for hope, for freedom for the captives.   Stop crying out for your own selfish desires, to satisfy your own pleasure.

While in the book store on Monday God spoke again and reminded me of a song from my childhood, Mercedes Benz.  A song I can’t remember not knowing by heart.

Oh Lord won’t you buy me a night on the town?

Prove that you love me and buy the next round…

If you have been reading along since the beginning you remember my reflection from the post tripping:

The strongholds remained, the anger persisted and the peace evaded me.  God doesn’t love me…I decided. He doesn’t answer my prayers….He doesn’t care…I don’t even know if He is really there…

Rachel. Do you see now?   The unanswered prayer is not a reflection of my love for you.   I don’t answer prayer to prove my love.  I already did that.  The question of My love is settled.  I will not give you those things that will destroy you or cause you to be more focused on yourself and less focused on Me.  I love you way too much for that.

 

I came home from the bookstore with one book in hand…a  departure from my typical “buy everything in sight until the credit card screams”.  In my seeking after God He has convicted me of the need to live simply and with contentment.   After arriving home I took a brief inventory of my massive book collection.  I won’t bore you with the details but I was shocked to see how I had wasted the resources God has given me on useless things I was convinced for a short time that I needed.  Interestingly many of the needed books have never been read.   I am learning to want less trinkets and instead to want God.

 

What an amazing love….

Jesus loves me this I know…

Jesus loves me this I know…

Jesus loves me this I know…

Jesus loves me this I know…

Jesus loves me this I know…

Jesus loves me this I know…

 

Six words that mean so much.