tripping….

I have realized that I have spent the past 15 years perfecting my dependence upon…myself.   I have cried out so many times  Are you even there God??? only to realize He was only waiting for me to surrender control.

I thought I had….really.  I said I am sorry at the appropriate times, was transparent when necessary, attended church on the required days and spoke Christianese.

The strongholds remained, the anger persisted and the peace evaded me.  God doesn’t love me…I decided. He doesn’t answer my prayers….He doesn’t care…I don’t even know if He is really there…

I continued going through the motions, mainly because it was expected partly because I was just plain afraid of Hell.

There must be more to this….what am I missing?

Then while listening to Crazy Love by Francis Chan I heard him say Help God! I don’t love You…..

Ah….now I am beginning to see.   When I came to Christ my life was a mess.   He came at just the right time to literally save me (physically) and He began working on me.  But…I fought Him the.whole.way.   I am came to Christ for me now I need to learn to live for Him. 

What was missing?  The love.   I loved myself plenty.  In fact I was so filled with love for myself there wasn’t any room to love Him.  Help me God…I don’t love You.  But….I want to…..

In exactly one week I begin my weekly journey to Grand Rapids, a town an hour from my home to participate in Near/A Season of Unbroken Prayer.   I have been praying and seeking in preparation for this.   God has been answering.  Yes He was there all along….

Fire Fall Down…...