tripping….

I have realized that I have spent the past 15 years perfecting my dependence upon…myself.   I have cried out so many times  Are you even there God??? only to realize He was only waiting for me to surrender control.

I thought I had….really.  I said I am sorry at the appropriate times, was transparent when necessary, attended church on the required days and spoke Christianese.

The strongholds remained, the anger persisted and the peace evaded me.  God doesn’t love me…I decided. He doesn’t answer my prayers….He doesn’t care…I don’t even know if He is really there…

I continued going through the motions, mainly because it was expected partly because I was just plain afraid of Hell.

There must be more to this….what am I missing?

Then while listening to Crazy Love by Francis Chan I heard him say Help God! I don’t love You…..

Ah….now I am beginning to see.   When I came to Christ my life was a mess.   He came at just the right time to literally save me (physically) and He began working on me.  But…I fought Him the.whole.way.   I am came to Christ for me now I need to learn to live for Him. 

What was missing?  The love.   I loved myself plenty.  In fact I was so filled with love for myself there wasn’t any room to love Him.  Help me God…I don’t love You.  But….I want to…..

In exactly one week I begin my weekly journey to Grand Rapids, a town an hour from my home to participate in Near/A Season of Unbroken Prayer.   I have been praying and seeking in preparation for this.   God has been answering.  Yes He was there all along….

Fire Fall Down…...

In the stillness…

I find myself running from the time my feet hit the ground.  Somehow I am sure you can relate…

I am overwhelmed with all that beckons me…all that needs to be finished or begun.  Yet, doesn’t Jesus tell me that His yoke is easy and His burden is light?   Didn’t he tell me…

Come, all of you that are overwhelmed, all of you that are tired.  I will give you rest.

Somehow I have found myself under the command of another master.  A master that wearies me with all that I must do.  A relentless master that only calls for more and never offers rest.

My sheep hear my voice….

Could it be that I am just not listening?  

Lord, teach me to be still that You may speak.   Teach me to hear your voice once again and allow you to dictate what must be done….

In an attempt to be still, to listen more, I have committed to Near /A Season of Unbroken Prayer and will be travelling to meet my Savior for an hour every week on Monday evenings.   I know, I know.  God doesn’t require that we travel to a building somewhere.  We can (we should!) pray in our own homes.  Yet, I am expectant…

I have a date with God and I can’t wait.

Lord, send down your fire.

Looking back….looking ahead…

Looking back on 2009 is bittersweet.   There were a lot of setbacks…but I learned a lot and I have grown.

I have been bitter, but I have learned to forgive.   I have been hurt but I am learning to let go.  To stop nurturing it, and instead to surrender the hurt to the one who judges justly.   I have been angry, unfair, unkind and unloving yet through it all I have finally seen that His grace is enough.  And that sometimes learning the important things takes a long time…

I have learned that there is love enough to cover my shame. 

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead…

Phil 3:13

Pause..just for a moment...

and read this. You will be glad you did.

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord.......

17 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:

18 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

19 The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon my high places.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Times are hard for so many of us. Some of us have been crying out for a long time, waiting on God.

God.....I need a job.......

Lord......I need healing.......

Father......I need deliverence.......

Jesus......just show me You are there......

Don't stop crying out. Don't grow weary. Just keep going through the motions if that's all you have. Just keep going.......

Hey Brad- this one's for you!

Sorry we didn't get to talk long. You have been through a lot and I just wanted to take the time to share some things that helped me when life kept beating me down.

This song is called The Wilderness and it's by the Supertones (Am I showing my age?) It played in my car daily and loudly after Todd died. To this day it moves me in a way I can't explain, I hope you can listen to it and that it blesses you.




Just in case you don't get a chance to listen, here are the words:

The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked
Mine is not to reason why this is
In this I rest in this I find my refuge
That my thoughts and ways are not His

I spend my life on looking up the answers
It's rare that I can't find a reason why
But reasons fail at children without mothers
His plan is more than I can know

Have you ever held in doubt
What this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things
that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know
Or are you a little scared
You are afraid that God is not really
exactly what you'd have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything's true
I'm somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt
A place called the wilderness

I'm not one who always trusts their feelings
I don"t believe in what you'd call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It's safe to say I don't see the big picture
I can't see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this

God do you really understand what it's like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of
loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize?

I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can't contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that
Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness

You know when John the Baptist was in jail he sent men to Jesus "Are you the one or do we look for another?" People disagree on this but I firmly believe John needed to hear Jesus say "Yes, I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. What you do for Me is not in vain. Your life has not been wasted and your hurts don't go unnoticed."

You have a lot on your plate: you are looking forward to some scary things and you have had a lot of disappointments. I guess all I am trying to say is that God is not afraid of the questions and I know that He has the answers for you, He had them for me.

Hey guys don't forget Brad and the guys serving our country! Please pray for them daily!

Discouragement.....

We have many seasons in our life. Sometimes everything seems right (although those times seem brief), then other times everything seems to go wrong. That's where I am right now. I apologize b/c this post is not a well thought out one; more it is a pouring out of the discouragement that I feel inside. Our refrigeration is slowly dying, our washing machine won't work properly, my computer keeps freezing, our oven is not heating properly.......I could go on and on. I am sure many of you could also. There is more broken than there is money to fix it, more to do than there is time to do it. I keep reminding myself, this too shall pass. I keep trying to focus on God and glorifying Him in the storm so that when I pass through I will know I have pleased Him. Interestingly as I was looking for a suitable picture I came across this photo I took last summer. I passed it by b/c I just didn't think a butterfly was suitable for the gloom and doom I feel inside. But, then I thought, no it is quite suitable. I imagine it got pretty dark waiting around in that cocoon!

²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

²⁴ I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

²⁵ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:21-26