tripping….

I have realized that I have spent the past 15 years perfecting my dependence upon…myself.   I have cried out so many times  Are you even there God??? only to realize He was only waiting for me to surrender control.

I thought I had….really.  I said I am sorry at the appropriate times, was transparent when necessary, attended church on the required days and spoke Christianese.

The strongholds remained, the anger persisted and the peace evaded me.  God doesn’t love me…I decided. He doesn’t answer my prayers….He doesn’t care…I don’t even know if He is really there…

I continued going through the motions, mainly because it was expected partly because I was just plain afraid of Hell.

There must be more to this….what am I missing?

Then while listening to Crazy Love by Francis Chan I heard him say Help God! I don’t love You…..

Ah….now I am beginning to see.   When I came to Christ my life was a mess.   He came at just the right time to literally save me (physically) and He began working on me.  But…I fought Him the.whole.way.   I am came to Christ for me now I need to learn to live for Him. 

What was missing?  The love.   I loved myself plenty.  In fact I was so filled with love for myself there wasn’t any room to love Him.  Help me God…I don’t love You.  But….I want to…..

In exactly one week I begin my weekly journey to Grand Rapids, a town an hour from my home to participate in Near/A Season of Unbroken Prayer.   I have been praying and seeking in preparation for this.   God has been answering.  Yes He was there all along….

Fire Fall Down…...

In the stillness…

I find myself running from the time my feet hit the ground.  Somehow I am sure you can relate…

I am overwhelmed with all that beckons me…all that needs to be finished or begun.  Yet, doesn’t Jesus tell me that His yoke is easy and His burden is light?   Didn’t he tell me…

Come, all of you that are overwhelmed, all of you that are tired.  I will give you rest.

Somehow I have found myself under the command of another master.  A master that wearies me with all that I must do.  A relentless master that only calls for more and never offers rest.

My sheep hear my voice….

Could it be that I am just not listening?  

Lord, teach me to be still that You may speak.   Teach me to hear your voice once again and allow you to dictate what must be done….

In an attempt to be still, to listen more, I have committed to Near /A Season of Unbroken Prayer and will be travelling to meet my Savior for an hour every week on Monday evenings.   I know, I know.  God doesn’t require that we travel to a building somewhere.  We can (we should!) pray in our own homes.  Yet, I am expectant…

I have a date with God and I can’t wait.

Lord, send down your fire.

Looking back….looking ahead…

Looking back on 2009 is bittersweet.   There were a lot of setbacks…but I learned a lot and I have grown.

I have been bitter, but I have learned to forgive.   I have been hurt but I am learning to let go.  To stop nurturing it, and instead to surrender the hurt to the one who judges justly.   I have been angry, unfair, unkind and unloving yet through it all I have finally seen that His grace is enough.  And that sometimes learning the important things takes a long time…

I have learned that there is love enough to cover my shame. 

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead…

Phil 3:13